A new, mysterious figure has made its entrance to the scene of Steinbrenner. Taking the breath away of girls, boys, and teachers alike- not with charm, not with looks, and not even with a golden shining reputation, but by seizing them with a barrage of coughs.  

Slightly unorthodox, slightly more inconvenient. But it sure is a real attention-grabber, especially in times like these as society drags itself out of the fiery pits of pandemic hell, and into post-covid. 

It’s the mysterious cold of Steinbrenner! It’s like the normal cold but it wears black and sits alone in the lunchroom. It seems that the trauma of a year and a half of covid has caused mass amnesia, so consider this a public service announcement reminding people that yes! Other diseases do exist!! Walking in the rain does result in cool, brooding emo points, but it also results in a fever, as a spicy little bonus! 

It began about a month ago on a dark stormy night. Or. Maybe it didn’t. No one is entirely sure when it began or who patient zero was- and speaking of patient zero, the authorities are still searching. They have a warrant for their arrest and are closing in quickly on the criminal, though.  

In terms of symptoms, the infected will experience sniffles, the classic cough and, to really punch that 3-point combo, body aches. It will look like covid, it will also feel like covid, but it’ll also feel and look a lot like its cousin, the common cold. Because it is a cold. A couple of people have experienced fevers up to 102 degrees and others have been knocked out for a whole week of school and those who’ve had it are likely experiencing the afterglow of their bout with the mysterious cold in the form of an unrelenting congestion (the big bird voice has a tendency to really stick, unfortunately), and a vicious cough that will earn some nasty looks from classmates and fellow bus-riders alike; another PSA for the ladies- mascara is looking to go out of style for the next few months as cough induced crying fits have occurred a disappointing amount of times.   

This cold packs a punch, a kick, and psychological trauma. The week its victims take off from school isn’t so much of an “ohh, yeahh *cough *cough, I’m feeling a little bit under the weather, and I will use this to my tactile advantage and manipulate my supervisors (parents) into letting me play hooky” rather, more of a “oh, I’m not moving because I can’t” kind of sick week. During that time, the best advice would be to just drink liquids, rest up and sleep and all the other boring things adults advise little babies to do when “you feel like you’re dying,” which, naturally, many people will take as constructive criticism and promptly ignore it. 

Jaeda Solon//Staff Writer

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