Good news for students! Due to an unexpected weather phenomenon, the rest of the third quarter has been cancelled. A thin layer of frost has been detected in northern Hillsborough county, due to a restaurant refrigerator being left ajar for a night. Practically a blizzard, this chill has crept a whopping six inches from the door. A snow day in Florida may be unheard of, but it’s finally happening.
Locals are in astonishment at the development. William Slimefield, a 10th grader here at Steinbrenner, remarks an unfamiliar feeling about the cold. “It’s like an ice cube, but not as hard,” he remarked, “I feel like a chilled noodle. A chilly, chilly noodle! Put me in the fridge and let me sleep in a Tupperware container.” He has never been exposed to an ambient temperature of lower than 63 degrees Fahrenheit. Shortly after, he returned to the writhing pile of native Floridians struggling to reach the small pile of frost to make a snow angel.
Businesses in the area are trying to cash in on this golden opportunity by selling snow shovels and winter coats for higher prices, and people are buying. Its not uncommon to see snowplows driving past the orange groves, with snowball fights erupting between the trees. Seeing as it hasn’t snowed, however, people are just pelting each other with citrus and rocks. In other news, hospitals have seen higher amounts of traffic this week, for unknown reasons.
In an attempt to replicate this mysterious chill, a nearby gas station is scattering ice cubes by the parking lot for adults to roll in, and a kiddy-pool of ice water is available for children to splash through. Also, ice cubes make a convenient material for building snowmen which fall over very easily. They have no recognizable faces as the most viable method used so far to create a face is to tape a seashell to the melting, vertical side of the “head.” The seashells proceed to fall into the sandy ground because of the fact that tape has trouble sticking to water.
A massive cultural shift has occurred, placing Olaf the Snowman in a position of power over what seems to be a cult, despite his being fictional and also a snowman. Cultists reportedly pile carrots to represent his nose, and then light a ring of fire around it, to represent his refusal to melt in the warmest, most adverse, circumstances. Olaf merchandise is donned in every way possible by followers of the Cult of Olaf, with newer members wearing snowman-patterned shirts and socks, while high ranking officials are never seen without a full body foam Olaf costume.
Luke Hellman/Web Editor
