Supporters of Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum were agape with wonder Thursday, Feb. 23 when Jesus Christ of Nazareth, acknowledged by Christians to be the Son of God and savior of all humanity, descended from heaven amidst a sea of golden light to endorse Santorum’s campaign in Arizona.
“The folks in heaven have talked it over and we’re gonna put everything we’ve got behind Rick,” said Christ as he was mobbed by the press. The Son of God was dressed in glowing white robes but had trimmed his signature beard for the occasion.
Santorum, noted by many as the most fundamentalist and zealously religious of the Republican candidates for president, said he was not surprised that Christ had pledged his support to Santorum’s campaign. In fact, said Santorum,, he would have been surprised if Christ had supported anyone else.
“The simple fact is that we are the only campaign which it’d be worth the Son of God’s time to support,” shouted Santorum to the thousands of his supporters who had gathered in Phoenix for the rally.
As supporters climbed over each other for a chance to touch Christ or speak with him, Santorum did not seem to be fazed the slightest bit. He tried to regain control over the crowd by shouting epithets against Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney, the two other leading candidates for the Republican nomination.
Christ tried to organize a conversation between he and Santorum at the podium, attempting to steer Santorum onto the subject of the candidate’s plan to fix America’s economy, but Santorum kept evading the topics and returned to the radical Christian praise for which he has become renowned.
“So, Rick, how do you feel about the other candidates’ positions on exporting our jobs to foreign markets?” Christ asked Santorum.
“I couldn’t give a lizard’s innards about foreign markets,” said Santorum. He laughed and patted Christ on the back as his followers cheered. “It’s me and you who really matter, buddy,” said Santorum.
As Santorum continued his energetic speaking, Christ was seen inching away from the podium nervously and speaking into a cell phone on the edge of the stage.
“That guy is just way too crazy for my tastes,” said Christ when reporters caught up with him. “I knew he was a believer, but, Jesus, that’s all the guy ever talks about.” Christ said he had been calling to ask his dad to come pick him up, and would reconsider his endorsement of Santorum when he returned to heaven.
Jake Bittle / A&E Editor
i think the republican party has more to worry about if they claim to have seen jesus and his wve of support for the elections.
I thought this was a newspaper, not a farce
Even professional newspapers use satire when it’s the appropriate approach to an issue. Note the St. Pete Times’s frequent satire articles by Andy Borowitz and the long-standing tradition of publications like Punch in England. Just because not every article is hard news doesn’t mean the Oracle is a farce.