With the “holiday season” fast approaching, it has come to administration’s attention that the term “season” is actually offensive to those who don’t follow the “traditional” 12 month, 4 season agricultural calendar system. These dozens of students have fought hard for the recognition of their “alternate” calendar system based on hunting and gathering rather than crop growing cycles. However progress has been slow due to scheduling conflicts. From “now” (that is, if you believe in ‘now’ in the traditional sense of being the currently experienced “moment”) on, the “holiday season” shall be referred to as existence of subjectively colder temperatures in which several non-school related events created primarily by religion also coincidentally “take place.”calandar break

Several other school holidays have had name changes:

  • Due to a handful of students not believing in the holiday of Thanksgiving, the institution formerly referred to as “Thanksgiving break” will now become  “two-thirds semester’s recess”. It is purely coincidence that it falls around the “time” that many relate to the alliance of a certain group of settlers and Native Americans, who celebrated the union by stuffing themselves silly.
  • As the term “Spring Break” recognizes the existence of a spring season, it will accordingly need to be renamed to “the seven lunar rotations of collective mental restoration”, and just so happens to be right before most teachers begin their final units and exam preparations.
  • Summer vacation has been cancelled completely. We couldn’t come up with any good enough excuse as to why we are giving students three months of free time without relating it back to the season, and we just can’t risk offending anyone with abstract concepts like “seasons”, or “the general passing of time”. So that idea went out the metaphorical window.

Columbus Day remains, however, as nobody could possibly be offended by Christopher Columbus’s courageous adventure to be THE FIRST to discover the Americas after bravely asserting that the Earth was round, 2000 years after it was discovered to be.

Dozens of students and faculty have also complained about the static 24-hour style clock system in place in the school district. As such, all clocks have been removed from classrooms. In place, the pulses of all assistant principals will be taken, averaged, integrated, the median removed, a Ouija Board consulted, derived, a committee formed to figure out whether or not Ouija boards are offensive, the second fifth of results removed, a lunch break taken, averaged again, and then school will end after determining an arbitrary amount of beats.

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