There the protesters stood, right outside of the heavily barricaded Burger King restaurant, demanding the change that they rightfully deserved. Inside the restaurant, Burger King employees remained huddled behind the ordering counter, just wanting to go home to their families after earning their generous $72 for the day. Hundreds of protesting vegans surrounded the fast food chain after an incident regarding the cross contamination of food products in the Burger King kitchen.
In the disgraceful incident, a vegan man ordered Burger King’s Beef Free Whopper, expecting the product to not contain any meat, as any sane person would. The burger is said to be made specifically for only the most devout of vegans; truly, a high status of respect is gained from the vegan community after consuming this product. However, the Beef Free Whopper is currently under the suspicion of being cooked on the same grill as the rest of Burger King’s items that contain meat, causing cross contamination. Thus rendering the title “Beef Free” completely meaningless.
Amongst all the chaos that encompassed the restaurant, a single vegan man, Coco Caldwell, yelled at the top of his lungs, “SILENCE!” causing the screaming to come to an immediate halt. He then began to explain his stance on the matter.
“The vegan community prides itself on how devout its members are to not eating food that contains animal byproducts. Due to the fact that we still buy from mass producers, we must trust these said producers to keep our pure food away from the contaminated substances. Today, however, this trust has been broken by the corrupt establishment you see behind me now.”
There was a brief pause in the speech, and the crowd waited with silence, eager to know what other words of wisdom Caldwell would continue to share.
“Since the dawn of time, vegans have found it difficult to maintain a diet based on food that hasn’t been contaminated by meat. After many years of this issue, Burger King decided to ease our plight by introducing a beef-free option. Burger King officials have stated that the vegan patty of the Whopper has never come in any sort of contact with real meat. This should meant that every molecule of air and every drop of water that has ever been in the same room as the vegan whopper has never encountered meat. The officials even reported that the word “meat” was never spoken in the same room as the Whopper, and any employees who were caught speaking of meat were fired on the spot. A science lab at MIT confirmed the 0 percent meat status of the whopper after running multiple tests. Even though all the correct steps had been taken to prevent meat contamination, it was all ruined in the end when the Whopper was cooked on the same grill as a beef Whopper. The burger was then partially consumed by a fellow vegan before they noticed that the burger wasn’t as it seemed. Unless Burger King willingly atones for its sins, we will never buy from this establishment again.”
After perfectly executing his well-prepared speech, Caldwell realized exactly how much of a predicament vegans were in. At this point, his brain couldn’t handle it anymore. He passed out on the spot, all the vegans freaking out and ending the protest. This day will be looked back on in many history classes as one of the most influential protests of its time, proving just how difficult some things are to process for the human mind.
Joshua Yaker // Staff Writer