The Ebola virus, though similar in shape to a famous childhood character, is in no way affiliated with Mickey Mouse.
The Ebola virus, though similar in shape to a famous childhood character, is in no way affiliated with Mickey Mouse.

In the recent weeks, doctors all over the world have been studying the Ebola virus even more closely in order to research all the ways this disease can be spread. After all their discussion they each became infected leading them to one conclusion – Ebola can now be contracted through talking about Ebola.

As everyone is well aware at this point, Ebola is a rare and deadly disease originally from West Africa, which is caused by the infection of the Ebola virus strain. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), the symptoms of this disease include fever, severe headache, muscle pain, weakness, fatigue, diarrhea, vomiting, abdominal pain, and/or unexplained hemorrhage.

“We had cough cough no idea the power of this disease,” said Doctor Chat Toomuch, a pediatric physician who was specifically studying the disease’s effect on children. “I just hope people realize the severity of the situation, and stop talking about this disease at all costs.”

Unfortunately, we had to cut Toomuch’s interview short because as he progressively got worse, our videographer and interviewer both became ill with the virus halfway through the chat.

Another physician, Doctor Stacy Blabbermouth, agreed to speak with us on the terms that she would rather dedicate herself to education rather than sit in an Intensive Care Unit (ICU) all day.

“As did Dr. Toomuch, I believe the group most at risk to catching this disease is children, primarily of the high school age. I am well aware of their foolish ideas and how they don’t take Ebola seriously,” said Blabbermouth. “But before long, they too will become infected and, let’s face it, who else will keep the world updated on all the useless – I mean creative trends we have grown to love today?”

Before our interview ended, Dr. Blabbermouth would also like to inform all students that:

  1. Ebola is NOT a Spanish grandmother
  2. You can NOT get Ebola from consuming raw cookie dough
  3. Ebola is NOT a country
  4. Ebola is NOT a population control device thought of by scientists
  5. Ebola is NOT involved with Mickey Mouse or the Walt Disney Company

At this point, the CDC says that Ebola can only be contracted through contact with blood or bodily fluids of the infected, objects like needles and syringes that have been used on the infected, and/or infected bats or primates (apes and monkeys). It’s clear however, that this disease has evolved so much since its first discovery, that even speaking its name could cost a person their life.

This has been Emily Goldbach, reporting for the SHS Oracle Newspaper for the last time, seeing as how this whole article has been about nothing but Ebola.

Emily Goldbach / Editor-in-Chief

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