Presidential hopeful Herman Cain stunned press in a perplexing turn of events in a press conference held on Oct. 19. Cain, a persistent “dark horse candidate” in GOP polls, explained what he said was the “real meaning” of the “9-9-9 Plan” his campaign has been touting.
“Listen, people, I don’t know where all this mumbo-jumbo about flat taxes and business taxes came from,” said Cain, addressing hordes of reporters. “The 9-9-9 Plan is about one thing: pizza.”
Cain went on to insist that he’s been trying to tell reporters for at least a month now that he doesn’t give “a warthog’s foot” about taxes of any kind. The reporters in attendance assumed an awestruck silence as Cain revealed what the plan actually entails:
“Nine slices of pizza, for nine dollars. Nine slices, nine dollars.”
The conference room was abuzz; Cain spent a few minutes calming the crowd after presenting his revelation. When asked what the third “9” was for, Cain declined to comment. He did add, however, with a knowing wink, that there was something else in the works.
“I call it the 3-3-3-3-3 Plan,” Cain said. “Three meats, three cheeses, three vegetables, for only three extra dollars.” When asked about what the fifth “3” was for, Cain repeated his previous statement: “Three meats, three cheeses, three vegetables, for only three extra dollars.”
The press conference was adjourned, but in a special, intimate interview with The Oracle, Cain further elaborated on his candidacy plans.
“I call it the 12 Plan,” Cain said, rubbing his hands together and adjusting his glasses. “One pizza, for twelve dollars.”

Jake Bittle / A&E Editor

13 thoughts on “Herman Cain apologizes for confusion, explains real ‘9-9-9 Plan’

  1. Herman Cain apologizes for confusion,Herman Cain needs to wake up and smell the coffie. HOW HIS HE TRYING TO BE President WHEN PEOPLE DONT BELIVE HIM

  2. Herman Cain needs to wake up and smell the coffie because his hoping for to much being the President come on to do that you need skills on being a leader witch he dose not have.

  3. liberal Bittle needs to wake up and smell the coffie.Because oviously no one belives in him in what he did and did not there you have it he needs to stop try to run for President because he is not going to have any one on his side.

  4. Herman Cain will have some serious hurdles if he continues to make a mockery of the process. from his comments on recent interviews about abortion stance where he flip flopped when being asked about what he beleived with regards to abortion for a woman who was raped to the most recent commercial from his camp where he basically mocked the process and made himself look a fool. If hes the number one candidate for the repulican party they are going down in flames. I think Mitt romney is the most presentable of the bunch although he came across as a little too aggressive on the most recent debate.

  5. And I know it may seem as if I’m making Cain out to be a dunce here, but I think he’s certainly one of the more charismatic and memorable people running for president, so there you have it :0) I appreciate the feedback.

  6. You guys seem to be misunderstanding my point here! While I appreciate the comments, I’m the first to admit that I’m pretty ignorant of how economics work and I’d have a lot of trouble coming up with a plan as innovative as Cain’s!

    I actually think Cain is among the most viable of the GOP candidates, and the whole point of this article was to make a joke! You shouldn’t take the joke as indicative of my political leanings (I have none currently!) Thanks for commenting guys.

  7. I like Herman Cain, he’s a lot better than most idiot politicians. We need more people like Cain running. Successful businessman, turned around a tanking pizza chain (Godfathers) and stands for our grassroot principles as a country. Hope he does well!

  8. Agreed with the last comment, funny article, but liberal Bittle needs to wake up and smell the ignorance in our government.

  9. It’s quite humorous, however I’d like to see Bittle come up with a plan. He’s quick to ridicule, but really not even Obama has had a “plan” for three years in office. At least Cain is putting it out there.

    By the way Bittle, look at the latest Quinnpiac and Rasmussen poll: Cain leads Obama in a general election poll. Plus Obama’s numbers and approval ratings are tanking across the board. Maybe Bittle, if you were more open-minded, you could enlighten us with humor about that and the failure Obama has been to this nation. We wanted hope and “change”, all we’ve gotten is more of the same.

    Best Regards,
    Obama voter in 2008

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